I think we need
to play catch up, to clarify with each other.
you aware that you sometimes make a statement which I then
may well confirm and then you challenge me on it?
In returning from
Josh's wedding, you questioned how people arrived at the desire to
get married and have children.
I agreed and took the exchange in a
slightly different direction saying that yes, it seemed like a major
leap of faith.
And you questioned why
I would say that.
What is that about?
(Kim: I never thought of myself as doing
a "leap of faith" in the way that Kerkegaard did. It seemed to
be a copout toward finding
meaning in the apparent randomness of the universe. I really
know where you are coming from...combined with my diagnosed "information
processing disorder" I was really confused.)
The issue may
be email, which has way of flattening out
an exchange. Or it could be that I am just not writing
well enough. But my instinct says that sometimes
you are trying to argue with me.
I welcome differences of opinion
but I do not want to argue for reasons that are not clear.
marriage, and especially the action of upbringing children into the
world not be leap of faith?
(Kim: You are right, of course, but I usually refuse to acknowledge
this. Sometimes I look at my kids and see how precious they are
and worry that something may happen to them. If this feeling persisted
I would be in a constant state of anxiety.)
(Kim: This might seem strange, but I never considered this. I
truly did want to know what you mean. Maybe my faith was so strong
was never that thought. I guess I went into all of this pretty
blindly. I just believed that things would work out. If I seem
sometime it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes my job doesn't
bring out the best in me.)
Faith that one will be able to commit
over time to one's partner and more importantly, to a vulnerable
young being who will depend
upon you for the most basic necessities.
Faith that you will be
able to do this physically, emotionally, psychically and financially
Faith that your partner will be able to do this, too.
the world will be welcoming and safe enough to do this well.
leave God out of it, if that is what's got your goat. I
am speaking of faith as belief.
Even if the belief is chiefly
in oneself, it is still a kind of faith.
Dialogue with me
if you like but please don't pick fights. Especially
linguistic ones. I just don't have the stomach for it. And
then I find myself shutting down. I do not want to shut down
to you. I want to open up more and more.
Ok, enough of that. On
to something more interesting. Yes?Of all of our exchanges
over the past few days, If feel most
engaged by the ones that get beneath the surface in a more
meaningful way, to try to understand what really happened emotionally
at the wedding. Maybe because it feels more intimate.
what I love best is complexity, stories or responses that are not
about the either or-ness which is usually a false construct,
and rather about the yes and-ness.
Like, you were cranky
about Melissa's toast to Josh, when she talked about what close
friends they were. You chose to
focus on moments in the past by saying that she lied in her
toast because they used to fight all the time.
And I said,
well, maybe she feels close to him now. Or wants to
feel close to him. So maybe that her reality or the
reality in which she is choosing to dwell.
That's OK. That
does not make her dishonest.
A fuller version would
be something that contains both of those truths. Yes,
they used to fight and yes, now, they are now close. Is it not
possible for something to hold both truths at the same time?
so touched about the way in which you describe your
grief around Josh's wedding, that you feel as if he has gone off
to a foreign planet. Sometimes, when you are not pushing
my buttons, I am so struck by what a sensitive and beautiful man
you are. You feel so deeply and then sometimes need
several passes to identify just what it is that you are feeling.
hard it is to name and know something. It is certainly
not something we tend to learn in school or family life. Can
you imagine a class where you really talk about how you feel and
why? Or a family dinner where the truth is continuously spoken?
is a brilliant description to say that it feels as if Josh has
gone off to a foreign planet... He has. And that description
seems to begin to get into the complexity of the whole experience.
am struck by the idea that the most beautiful things contain
grief as well. It is almost as if it is built in.
(Kim: I might have
mentioned that my sister (the psychoanalyst) told me about
an article she read about how when we make choices
to acknowledge that even when we make the right choice
there will be some loss by not going with the other choice.)
Take flowers. They
are so beautiful. And once picked,
their present beauty is short lived. Although the Japanese
believe there is a beauty in decay. I believe the rough translation
for a more complex concept is wabe sabe. I am sure
i am misspelling it. (Kim: you spelled it right.To
me (in ceramics), it has more to do with beauty in imperfection (Linda
said "patina") rather than decay.)
My mother does not like
getting flowers. She
can't stand to see them to die. So I always get her plants.
(Kim: My mom used to
say that when we mourn we are really mourning our own death.
I wonder how much of that is true.)
Wed, Jan 4, 2006