I have been thinking some more about my need to leave town. Well,
to leave more, I guess, than most people probably
I wrote previously about wanting more stimulation from other
places. That is true. I do want and need stimulation from
And perhaps ironically, I also need to limit stimulation. The
kind of stimulation that I get at home. With ringing phones
and looming deadlines and a myriad of meetings. Sometimes,
I get so overstimulated that at the end of a day, all I want
to do is to pull the covers over my head and talk to no one, not
even myself. I can’t even bear to listen to my beloved Mozart.
(Kim: What is so amazing
about you is your antennas—that you are tuned into your surroundings
in such a super-sensitive manner.
is so curious that you say that you are grateful that you are
no longer a child.
Being a child is overvalued. It is so tough.
talking to me last night about how hard it is not to have a
partner. A child is alone, left in many ways to their own devices,
and dependent on their environment. You are a pioneer in the
manner that you have constructed a life that is so much about
have had a problem with overstimulation,—if problem is the
right word—since I was a child. I think maybe it
is a problem
because we live in a world where we are expected
to conform to certain expectations and modes of behavior.
I am so grateful to no longer be a child. To have some
degree of autonomy—although not as much as I would like—over
shaping the way I move in the world. As a child, especially
in my hyper verbal family with its intense focus on achievement,
it was hard to carve out space for myself. I think as
a teenager, I began to do it with food, as my anorexia
That's a nice image, carving out space. I'm going to have to
what that might look like. What do we carve it out of?)
while I still struggle with coping mechanisms that are unhealthy,
it is so much easier if
I can slow down long enough
to recognize the symptoms when they arise.
Some of the things that happen to me when I
feel overstimulate dare that I get irritable
and tired. But perhaps most
important of all, I go into this numbing place
and then I can't access
creativity from its most organic place. I can
create, but it is more compartmentalized and
rather than organic.
(Kim: I'm very interested
in this last line. Years ago one of my teachers talked negatively
about art that was "premeditated" meaning that (to me) it was
almost a scheme (or a scam). I also heard once that by the
time you are 90 most of the stuff that comes out from you will
be really you, and not some vestige of someone else. Is this
the same thing?
your writing best when it does seem like you are opening up
one more door,
or scraping away one more layer. I'm not as interested when
you appear to be trying to write well. Maybe that is what you
are calling "compartmentalized and intellectually driven.")
Thursday, Feb 9, 2006