I have been doing really well lately with my eating and then there
was the frozen yogurt.
I have been going to a frozen yogurt place in town for a treat
most nights. Usually, I pick up a frozen yogurt on my way back
from my afternoon walk and put it in the freezer for later.
I have an eating addiction too that I can control with strict
rules. But when
I start doing some things, like pretzels or cookies, I do too
many...so I stay away from them. I have a friend who knows when
she has had enough and stops eating in the middle of a bite.
I envy her.)
other day I thought, this is silly for me to stop by every
night. Why don't I just get two servings and freeze both
of them. .I'll eat one of them tonight and save the other for another
Well, it didn't happen. I mean, I picked up the yogurt but
I did not save the second serving for another day.
I ate them both in one sitting.
I am not sure why. I had eaten a healthy dinner. Had had
plenty to eat. really. And one serving of yogurt was supposed
to be my treat. Since I can't fathom life without dessert.
(Kim: Sometimes I
can feel the emotion that I want to suppress with food.)
what happened? I ate one serving of the yogurt and then got
the second serving.
I thought briefly about what I was doing, was
fully conscious of it for maybe all of
a minute. Then it was as if time disappeared
I completely overrode my own best intentions.
I don't think my conscious mind has anything
to do with it. If it did, my better intentions
would register and I would act on
them. So something else goes on.
I am guessing you probably won't agree
with this That we'll have one of our
language. But I think
I am an addict. Because it is very hard
for me to resist something when it is
I am pretty much OK if I don't go near it.
But once I dip my toes into the water,
or take a
sip—if a sip were
about sugar—it is hard for me to resist
until I have emptied the bottle.
Every once in a while, I forget that I
am an addict or perhaps, decide I am not.
that I want to be like everyone else
and be able to eat the same things that
they do. So I test myself. And while I
things for one day or perhaps, two, I
usually notice that I start slipping. And
that is how I know I am an addict.
Because once I start slipping, it feels
very difficult to reel back and I can
easily fall off the edge.
I've been working a long time with a nutritionist. I've gotten
to get back on the wagon. Years ago a cookie got me off
the wagon for a year!)
So that is what happened
with the frozen yogurt. There will be no double
portions for me again,
even if it means a trip every
day. I will let the shop do for
me what I don't seem to be able to do for myself.
And how shameful it feels to write
this when I spent much of Sunday
a few weeks
homeless people. But addiction
And a number of people we served
were alcoholics or drug addicts or both.
We probably have
a lot in common.
(Kim: I have an idea
about a book on addiction. I have an idea for regulating addictions
that I'll tell you about someday.)
Wednesday, Feb 15, 2006