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7/23/06
Whipping & Gaining 50—from "I" to "O"—Great Expectations

Dear Kim,

You have been making drawings lately with mirrors and shields lately. At least that is how it is reading to me. What is that about?

(Kim: It kind of relates to Plato's Allegory of the Caves where the idea is a shadow of the object. In this drawing it because the book, Great Expectations, that you wanted to read in one very long sitting.)

Can we talk a little about the body? Have you ever struggled with weight or eating issues? I know many, many women are preoccupied with that in Western culture. And from an alarmingly early age.

(Kim: I always have been obsessed with food. Even was in OA. Now have been going to a wonderful nutritionist for about 2 or 3 years.)

I wonder about men? And about you, specifically.

You know, in all of the years I have known you, you always look the same to me. Neat, compact, efficient in your demeanor and dress. (I was 15 lbs heavier.)

I was going through some stuff recently, old photos, letters. Really trying to clear some things away to make physical and mental space for new possibilities. And really trying to wrestle my tendency to be a packrat. I came across photos of myself from my late 20's. I was so much thinner.

(Kim: Internal and external clutter are all the same. Weight, secrets, stories. Linda and I had a discussion at dinner about the differences between secrets and stories. I think that often a story is a secret revealed . . . but also, we often think we've told the truth when we've told our secret . . . but really the truth is much deeper. I'm getting very serious about clutter too.)

Well, that I knew. But what I find interesting from this perspective, this particular mountain top is that I had no idea of that at the time. I thought I was heavy. Must have weighed all of 125 pounds. Felt heavy. Thought I looked heavy. And was very self conscious about my body.

Well, I wasn't heavy. And it makes me sad to think that I thought was. And that I had anxiety and wasted precious energy over something that wasn't even true.

(Kim: We waste our one life in so much ways. I was at Whole Foods and everyone seemed interested in shopping . . . but I wondered if it was a substitute for something else.)

I do have a question for you. Do you agree with Jennifer . . . statement that only people of the same sex can understand each other?)

Later,

Joan
Sat. Nov 19, 2005
4:42 PM

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