The anger piece disappeared. I was writing it late last night and
it was in an open word document. When I had problems with the computer
and had to shut it down, I didn't see the document or maybe I forgot
that it was there.
In any case, my anger as well as the anger piece disappeared.
Buddhism says that most things shall pass. And that includes moods
and emotional states.
And I know that. But I sometimes forget. I am a half-assed Buddhist.
I don't practice as much as I am now thinking I should.
Still, even if I move past the anger, it is sometimes worthwhile
to look at why I had felt that way.
So, why was I angry?
Because my lover had transgressed what I thought was a real boundary
and written to my sister who is ill about the problems we are having
I feel very protective towards my sister who is vulnerable right
now and does not need the stress or triangulation with something
that is not her
I was very angry last night. I was seeing smoke and feeling fire.
Today, the anger has changed into some sort of form of compassion,
i think. I still think what she did was inappropriate. And did
take into account the effects of her actions on other people.
But it got me thinking about acts of desperation, if that is what
it was. And I think maybe it was.
What creates desperation,outsidefulfilling basic human
needs like food and shelter.
What creates emotional desperation?
How can it be experienced, (I almost said managed but then thought
maybe that isn't the best choice of word!) in a way that is not
And I think you may be right about this word manage. I do.
I will think more about desperation and I will probably write more
about desperation tomorrow.
Like, moments in which I was desperate.
How do you feel about that question or topic?
Is it something with which you can relate? If not now, at some
point in your history?
Desperate is another victim word. I'm not interested in that.)
do you think we are having a bit of a tiff over language and
the respective places from which we
are both coming? Or
it fine and the conversation is breaking down somewhat,
only to crack further open and really go somewhere?
I am going to Chicago. Either on a late plane tonight.
Or, in the a.m.
Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005
(Kim: I like
this piece. I'll do something for it tonight/tomorrow am.)
Do you know the saying "the road to hell
is paved with good intentions?")
Are you thinking about us in regard to the quote
or about what my girlfriend did or what?
what your girlfriend did.)
(Kim: I think our conversation is going fine. You are bugged by my insensitivity
to gender . . . )
A little, as well as your
assumptions about it. which is probably the same thing.
and my chauvinism, and I'm bugged by a few things (I, manage,
victim) . . . but that's ok for me.)
Well, I am glad
you are saying something. Although it can be an uncomfortable
place, I think things get interesting when people
are bugged by the other.
I think we should talk about
your being bugged by the things you name. I have already questioned
your assignment of truth to a male category. Or your suggesting that
lesbians are in mass agreement about something. So let's talk about
what is bugging you.
I personally prefer not to
use words like chauvinism. It is too pat and doesn't really say anything.
And you are one of the least
sexist men that i have ever met. So let's see if we can stay with the
particular, instead of the general.
Hopefully I can learn something.)
Me, too, I think
that is the real point of this endeavor.
(Kim: I love Buddhism,
but don't know much about it.)
I would think that you would
love it. It is not much grounded in the "I". It is a lot
about the interconnectedness of things.
xJoan 11/22/05 5:11 PM