hope you don't mind that I post them (below).)
sure you're right about most of what you are say.)
I have to figure out how to make a drawing.)
problem (she says with love and sincerity)
I love your drawing of the merging or perhaps relating of Christian
I am less pleased with some of the commentary.
I don't know if you are aware of this or if it is deliberate, but
a lot of what you write to me comes off smug and condescending As
if you are better at living your life than I am and that I am lacking.
Perhaps it is "just" an issue of language. But just
is a big condition.
In some instances, you have established certain terms and concepts,
i.e., masculinzing truth, actually using the expression male chauvinist,
generalizing about lesbians, etc. So, in order to dialogue
with you, in some of those instances, I either contest or expand
upon what you have put forth in order to respond.
I use your terminology
and then down the line, you criticize me for the same language.
I.e. talking about being a lesbian couple.
It is naive and/or perhaps arrogant for you to presume that any relationship
exists outside certain social realities or power differentials.
You and Linda don't have to call yourselves a straight couple. That
is the norm. Most people assume that couples are straight.
You have a certain amount of comfort zone and privilege here,
to which you are not owning up.
If you and Linda were separated and trying to figure things out, you
would probably get a lot more support than we do.
Whether or not I want to marry Pseudonym is besides the point. I would
like the option, which I do not have. To have equal protection
under the law, to have access in medical emergencies, to have familial
and social acceptance .And mostly to be taken seriously.
My brother has told me that homosexuality is unnatural and he is
uncomfortable around it. My brother. Not some rube with no
real exposure to diversity. My brother, a full tenured professor
living with a woman to whom he is not married. My brother,
a world class scientist whose name shows up regularly in the New
York and L.A Times. My brother, who I love.
This is my life, Kim. And this sort of thing has splintered
Pseudonym is so freaked out about what people think or potentially
losing jobs that she often will not hold my hand or be demonstrative
in some of the most basic social settings. She is afraid of being
pegged as a lesbian and maybe making current or potential clients
uncomfortable. And that is real. A lot of people are
I used to care. I don't anymore. But my social reality and perhaps
level of self acceptance is different from hers.
This is a very different reality than almost any straight couple
I can imagine.
As far as whether or not I have always struggled in relationships,
because that is my alleged expectation, I think most people struggle
in relationships. Look at how much you are struggling in your
capacity as dean. Even people who are highly compatible disappoint
or have expectations that cannot be met from time to time. That
is the human condition. And to think otherwise seems naive to
I don't object to our having a difference of opinion, especially
if you are interested in growing and learning instead of passing
so much judgment on what I say. I object to your tone. I am
trying to write from a very open place with you. To see if
I can have a conversation that is really honest with another
who is so different. And our ability to have a conversation strikes
me as important .As if, if we cant figure out a way to talk,
what hope is there for people with much different and perhaps
Sometimes, I feel that you truly miss the nuance of what is being
expressed. And instead of asking a question, you make a statement.
And then what you come back to me with sounds formulaic or even
Your condescension is having the effect of shutting me down. This
morning, I do not feel like writing to you. I feel that unless
I choose my words very carefully, you will throw this victim stuff
out or tell me who you think I am. When you do not know.
The funny thing is, within almost all
of our more provocative correspondences,
at the same time that you piss me off, you say something else that
a real gem. Like maybe the issue is that Pseudonym and I are more
lovers than friends. And I think you may be right, For
people to do well together, they have to be a friend to each
I know I risk alienating you in sending this but it is the truth
from where I sit on this Tuesday morning, DEC 6
Tuesday, Dec 6, 2005