I laid in bed this morning and thought about how we
have the same relationship
coefficient for all people. In other words, if we have
a problem in one relationship, we probably have that same
some way) with all relationships. We may have chosen
a particular relationship because it magnifies something
we have a need
to resolve. Or we chose it because we know that it
won't work, and we don't need to get close. So I told Linda
all these thoughts
and she disagreed. I told her that wives should always
agree...and she laughed.)
I think the undercurrent of the life of your relationship
conversations is kind of a cement to all the various things we've
It struck me strange
the idea of asking someone for something that they
won't give. I guess that doesn't happen much when you've been with
someone a long time. Oh, I know what it is. That suggests that
you are two separate people. If you love someone you want them
to do things that make
So you ask your
lover to go to a movie, and she says that she's too tired.
She didn't say no to you, she says yes to herself, which
should make you happy. The totality of you and her are now
more where you should be. Do you know what I mean?
As to what
we know before we get into things...I think it is like
a piece of
a hologram, which is supposed to include all the information
entire image. Something very wise draws us to things. Only
later do we figure our why.)
I don't know that my relationship is exactly the way I want
it to be with
Pseudonym although there is certainly something valid to
what you say.
It has been said that often one ends up with the life they
want or maybe
even for which they are willing to settle.
But i think that is
shortsighted and simplistic.
I want very much for
it to be different. Sadly, I do not think that I
seem to have the skills to do it differently, at least with
her. And I
know she does not. I am working on those skills.
They mostly have
to do with standing my ground, establishing my boundaries
and not letting someone try to steer me to their course rather
Like you, she has
a right to ask for things. And no matter what she asks
and how outrageous I may think that is, she has a right.
requests do not make her a bad person.
I have an equal right
to say no.
I wish we were on
the same page more of the time and that I didn't feel a
need to say no so often.
I know that I cannot
change anyone else's behavior. I can only change
mine. When I change mine, as of yet, it does not
seem to effect much of
what she does or says.
She is still massively
disappointed and sometimes angry that I have so
much of my own life and concerns and that I don't
cater to her fears or
join in her fantasies about what she thinks it means to have
When I followed my
attraction for her, I honestly didn't have any idea it
was going to be like this. (Kim:
I'm sorry. I believe that unconsciously we know
exactly how things will
play out.) We are trying to get help for all of this, rather
than just ending
in a way that would
probably feel raw and hurtful to both of us.
It is not over yet.
Count your blessings,
my friend. You are very fortunate to have found a
mate in Linda with whom you can easily be the
self you need to be. That
probably took some real labor on both of your
parts. I admire and envy the
space where you are. I hope to be a neighbor
to it some day.
Friday, Dec 16, 2005