Hugging Bride's Dad/Jewish Chair Dance (Mouse Over)

Dear Kim,

It is totally fine that you want to make your own completely independent choices about what to draw, even though I have my own desire to see certain things.

I can ask and you can say no. But I also get that it is getting your nerves to be asked, so I will try hard not to ask again.

What I love best about what you have written is the fact that you wore your father's suit and so he was represented there in some way.

(Kim: Dad wanted me to wear his clothes when he died. He mentioned that a number of times. I love doing that.)

The bride often does that.

You know, thefamiliar: "Something old, something blue, something borrowed, something blue."

But again, that is more bride stuff.

It is as if sentiment has been purely relegated to the female realm.And that is part of the problem in the world.

What about the groom? Or, in your case, the groom's father?

How do they/you shake hands with tradition?

(Kim: I grew up believing that tradition was something to ignore. My mom wouldn't let me go to church because she said I was too impressionable. I ended up going to four churches one Sunday.

First time I read this I thought you were talking about does the groom's father hug the bride's father...hence, part of the drawing. And then their is the chair dance, which we all did.

It was all a performance. One that neither Linda nor I would have ever chosen for our justice of the peace wedding, but one that was fun anyhow. Our kids were put on earth to socialize us.)

I mean, besides the usually over the top ritual of the party that the best man usually hosts that often involves drinking too much and semi nude women.

(Kim: I drink so little. I'm always afraid I'll miss out the opportunity to make pictures if I drink.)

How did you feel wearing your dad's clothes?

Did you tell anyone?

(Kim: I might have mentioned it in the toast...I was proud to wear his suit, even though he is mad at me because he didn't want me to be dean (I'm sure that was good advice).)

What happens to the suit now?

(Kim: I'll wear it again...the next time I need to be wearing a black suit. Unless, that is, I loose or gain a lot of weight.)

When do you think you might wear it next?

Later,

Joan

Monday, Jan 2, 2006

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(Kim: Relating to 123105.shtml. It is about you and Pseudonym. What stood out in your text were 1) that you chose the party over an intimate dinner and 2) that you wanted me to draw clothes where the overwhelming issue was superficial vs. authentic relationships.)

Very interesting. I may have been confused by your drawing because of its proximity to my writing and the fact that with the holidays, we are a bit out of sync with each other and our usual schedule for posting and receiving

I did choose a party over an intimate dinner. And the reason for that was that I did not want to be intimate. I did not think I could be intimate. And it would also send misleading messages to Pseudonym. I love Pseudonym but not in the same way that she loves me. And it gets clearer by the day that I don't want to go the distance with her as a life partner. I want to be her lifelong friend.

So, candlelight, wine, soft music, a bed that beckons in the other room? Not a good idea. Because ultimately, not honest and not kind.

I wanted you to draw clothes because I thought we agreed to try to stay on the topic of clothes for a while. That the more we stay on one topic, as a lens, regardless of certain other issues, the more fruitful the drawings and conversation can be.

Are you tired of using this particular lens? I still have lots more I can say on the subject. Please let me know if you want/need to shift gears.

(Kim: I've never drawn clothes before...now I've added clothes to all my figures...even though the clothes are transparent.

I have a fantasy of being an illustrator, but I really don't want to do that. Someone asked me the other day to illustrate something, and I had no interest in doing that. The drawings have to be about me in some way, even if it is simply my impression. The problem comes when you write something and I see blue, and then you ask me to write about the red. That's why I don't like to be asked to draw something. I much perfer that you present the experience and then I respond.)

I thought the way i talked about clothes was not superficial. In a way, it was a chronicle of the various aspects of my life. As I reflect upon it now, they all seemed to refer in some way to health: my own or someone else's or to self definitions of femininity, and perhaps aging.

(Kim: There was certainly nothing wrong with the way you thought about clothes. I was surprised at how much emotion came forth for both you and me.)

To be an aging woman, is a different experience in many ways other than the obvious, than to be an aging man.

Joan

Monday January 2, 2006

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