Leap of Faith (Mouse Over)

Dear Kim:

I think we need to play catch up, to clarify with each other.

Are you aware that you sometimes make a statement which I then may well confirm and then you challenge me on it?

In returning from Josh's wedding, you questioned how people arrived at the desire to get married and have children.

I agreed and took the exchange in a slightly different direction saying that yes, it seemed like a major leap of faith.

And you questioned why I would say that.

What is that about?

(Kim: I never thought of myself as doing a "leap of faith" in the way that Kerkegaard did. It seemed to be a copout toward finding meaning in the apparent randomness of the universe. I really didn't know where you are coming from...combined with my diagnosed "information processing disorder" I was really confused.)

The issue may be email, which has way of flattening out an exchange. Or it could be that I am just not writing well enough. But my instinct says that sometimes you are trying to argue with me.

I welcome differences of opinion but I do not want to argue for reasons that are not clear.

How can marriage, and especially the action of upbringing children into the world not be leap of faith?

(Kim: You are right, of course, but I usually refuse to acknowledge this. Sometimes I look at my kids and see how precious they are and worry that something may happen to them. If this feeling persisted I would be in a constant state of anxiety.)

(Kim: This might seem strange, but I never considered this. I truly did want to know what you mean. Maybe my faith was so strong that there was never that thought. I guess I went into all of this pretty blindly. I just believed that things would work out. If I seem aggressive sometime it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes my job doesn't bring out the best in me.)

Faith that one will be able to commit over time to one's partner and more importantly, to a vulnerable young being who will depend upon you for the most basic necessities.

Faith that you will be able to do this physically, emotionally, psychically and financially

Faith that your partner will be able to do this, too.

Faith that the world will be welcoming and safe enough to do this well.

We can leave God out of it, if that is what's got your goat. I am speaking of faith as belief.

Even if the belief is chiefly in oneself, it is still a kind of faith.

Dialogue with me if you like but please don't pick fights. Especially linguistic ones. I just don't have the stomach for it. And then I find myself shutting down. I do not want to shut down to you. I want to open up more and more.

Ok, enough of that. On to something more interesting. Yes?Of all of our exchanges over the past few days, If feel most engaged by the ones that get beneath the surface in a more meaningful way, to try to understand what really happened emotionally at the wedding. Maybe because it feels more intimate.

And what I love best is complexity, stories or responses that are not about the either or-ness which is usually a false construct, and rather about the yes and-ness.

Like, you were cranky about Melissa's toast to Josh, when she talked about what close friends they were. You chose to focus on moments in the past by saying that she lied in her toast because they used to fight all the time.

And I said, well, maybe she feels close to him now. Or wants to feel close to him. So maybe that her reality or the reality in which she is choosing to dwell.

That's OK. That does not make her dishonest.

A fuller version would be something that contains both of those truths. Yes, they used to fight and yes, now, they are now close. Is it not possible for something to hold both truths at the same time?

I am so touched about the way in which you describe your grief around Josh's wedding, that you feel as if he has gone off to a foreign planet. Sometimes, when you are not pushing my buttons, I am so struck by what a sensitive and beautiful man you are. You feel so deeply and then sometimes need several passes to identify just what it is that you are feeling.

How hard it is to name and know something. It is certainly not something we tend to learn in school or family life. Can you imagine a class where you really talk about how you feel and why? Or a family dinner where the truth is continuously spoken?

It is a brilliant description to say that it feels as if Josh has gone off to a foreign planet... He has. And that description seems to begin to get into the complexity of the whole experience.

I am struck by the idea that the most beautiful things contain grief as well. It is almost as if it is built in.

(Kim: I might have mentioned that my sister (the psychoanalyst) told me about an article she read about how when we make choices we need to acknowledge that even when we make the right choice there will be some loss by not going with the other choice.)

Take flowers. They are so beautiful. And once picked, their present beauty is short lived. Although the Japanese believe there is a beauty in decay. I believe the rough translation for a more complex concept is wabe sabe. I am sure i am misspelling it. (Kim: you spelled it right.To me (in ceramics), it has more to do with beauty in imperfection (Linda said "patina") rather than decay.)

My mother does not like getting flowers. She can't stand to see them to die. So I always get her plants.

(Kim: My mom used to say that when we mourn we are really mourning our own death. I wonder how much of that is true.)

Later,
Joan
Wed, Jan 4, 2006

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