Physical self keeping up w/mind.

Dear Kim,

I have been thinking about my struggles to accept my limitations, both physical and psychological.

For some reason, despite my attempts to understand and accept my needs, when I run up against them, I often feel flooded with shame.

My inadvertent choice of words is interesting to me. I notice that I am not talking in terms of acceptance or even problem solving. I describe my needs as oppositional to some idealized self. It is almost as if I am warring with myself.

(Kim: Even the word "limitation" is an interesting choice. When one of my teachers had Parkinson's, and half his body would shake, he used the shake to enhance his drawings. Not a limitation, but an enhancement.)

How can that possibly be a useful or loving way to frame something?

It is very strange. I have worked with people with disabilities for over ten years and feel tremendous patience and compassion most of the time for their limitations. But when it comes to my own, it seems to be a whole different story.

My physical self has never been able to keep pace with my mind or ambition, and as I get older, it only becomes more challenging even though I am taking much better care of myself these days than I have in a long time.

Then, there is the lying.

When I am too tired to do something or feel under the weather, I often say I am busy or that something has come up. Something has come up, my need to tend to myself physically. So why can't I say that?

I also am not straight about my need to manage my boundaries. I can only take so much stimulation and then I need to retreat and recalibrate. I am aware that this can come across as distinctly anti-social as well as disappointing so I lie about that, too.

But I am not lying here. When we began this project, I pledged to write as deeply and honestly as possible.

So not only do I need to admit to the lying, I need to figure out its source.

Maybe I feel pressured by the culture of acheivement that exists in my family and beyond. lMaybe I am in denial about the ramifications of having had cancer and having a poor immune system. Maybe I am afraid of being judged for the needs I do have. So much for my recent assertion that I don't care what people think.

I don't know. And maybe I don't need to know. I just need to accept what is.

I can make decisions about what I feel needs doing, even if it means changing plans or disappointing someone. I don't necessarily have to explain but I don't have to lie.

(Kim: You are certainly being hard on yourself. I do think you are moving to much deeper levels.

I don't know the extent to which we can have meaningful relationships if there is not a level of responsibilty. Maybe I'll write more about that later. I'm dead tired.)

Later,

Joan

Friday, Feb 10, 2006

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