That's what they make linoleum for.

Dear Kim:

I am thinking about how judgmental I am and wondering how I can keep it in check.

When someone, especially a friend says or does something with which I am uncomfortable, I often don't say anything. At least not as often I might.

I think I get confused. I am not always sure how much I should take on and what I should let go in recognition of people's individual differences.

But I am also just not very comfortable with conflict. And I haven't seen many examples of people having differences of opinion in a way that feels mutually respectful. I certainly wasn't raised in those circumstances.

In work situations, it is much easier for me to hold a different position.In my personal life, I somehow experience things—or rather, myself—very differently.

So, instead, I tend to withdraw when someone does something with which I take strong issue. It is as if some essential connection I have trusted with them has been severed.

Earlier this week, I was having dinner with my friend Norma and several other people at a Mexican restaurant after the political songwriting workshop that her company had sponsored.

Norma is a phenomenal person. She works a lot with GLBT youth and has even personally housed several homeless youth for months at a time. She has a selflessness that I could never approach and I am not sure that I would want. Especially since I increasingly think my growth and survival is predicated on becoming more, not less, self focused. But I admire how deeply she walks the walk.

So after a while at the table, I said I had to leave to go home to walk the dog. Especially since I had been gone all afternoon.

Norma said, ”She’s a dog. That's what they make linoleum for.”

(Kim: It is really something how mean humor usually is.)

I looked at her and realized that she was serious.

I don’t know what was in her head. I am trying hard these days to try not to make up the story for someone else when I don't know.

I am guessing she was disappointed that I was leaving since we live in different places and don't see each other all that much.

But I don't know.

I do know that I was very uncomfortable with her comment. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of putting any animal in such a compromised position and with the offhanded way she tossed off her comment.

I didn’t feel sufficiently comfortable to say something to her. Or what’s worse, to let it go.

Instead, I inwardly cringed, suddenly experienced what I thought to be an insurmountable clash of values and felt myself withdrawing. Even though there is much about Norma that I really appreciate.

I don’t think this is an appropriate response. I wish I could figure out what was.

(Kim: Sometimes I take things too seriously. Once I called one of my teachers because I didn't get into some exhibits. I knew he thought a lot of my work. He replied, "you must not be any good." I think it cured me for my lifetime from complaining about rejection.)

Later,

Joan
Tuesday Feb 21, 2006

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