Seeing Smoke and Feeling Fire

Hi Kim,

The anger piece disappeared. I was writing it late last night and it was in an open word document. When I had problems with the computer and had to shut it down, I didn't see the document or maybe I forgot that it was there.

In any case, my anger as well as the anger piece disappeared.

Interesting, hmmm?

(Yes)

Well, Buddhism says that most things shall pass. And that includes moods and emotional states.

And I know that. But I sometimes forget. I am a half-assed Buddhist. I don't practice as much as I am now thinking I should.

Still, even if I move past the anger, it is sometimes worthwhile to look at why I had felt that way.

So, why was I angry?

Because my lover had transgressed what I thought was a real boundary and written to my sister who is ill about the problems we are having in our relationship.

I feel very protective towards my sister who is vulnerable right now and does not need the stress or triangulation with something that is not her issue.

I was very angry last night. I was seeing smoke and feeling fire.

Today, the anger has changed into some sort of form of compassion, i think. I still think what she did was inappropriate. And did not take into account the effects of her actions on other people.

But it got me thinking about acts of desperation, if that is what it was. And I think maybe it was.

What creates desperation,outsidefulfilling basic human needs like food and shelter.

What creates emotional desperation?

How can it be experienced, (I almost said managed but then thought maybe that isn't the best choice of word!) in a way that is not destructive?

And I think you may be right about this word manage. I do.

I will think more about desperation and I will probably write more about desperation tomorrow.

Like, moments in which I was desperate.

How do you feel about that question or topic?

Is it something with which you can relate? If not now, at some point in your history?

(Kim: Desperate is another victim word. I'm not interested in that.)

Also, do you think we are having a bit of a tiff over language and the respective places from which we are both coming? Or it fine and the conversation is breaking down somewhat, only to crack further open and really go somewhere?

I am going to Chicago. Either on a late plane tonight. Or, in the a.m.

Later,

xJoan

Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2005
4:35 PM

(Kim: I like this piece. I'll do something for it tonight/tomorrow am.)

Great.

(Kim: Do you know the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions?")

Yes. Are you thinking about us in regard to the quote or about what my girlfriend did or what?

(Kim: what your girlfriend did.)

(Kim: I think our conversation is going fine. You are bugged by my insensitivity to gender . . . )

A little, as well as your assumptions about it. which is probably the same thing.

(Kim: and my chauvinism, and I'm bugged by a few things (I, manage, victim) . . . but that's ok for me.)

Well, I am glad you are saying something. Although it can be an uncomfortable place, I think things get interesting when people are bugged by the other.

I think we should talk about your being bugged by the things you name. I have already questioned your assignment of truth to a male category. Or your suggesting that lesbians are in mass agreement about something. So let's talk about what is bugging you.

I personally prefer not to use words like chauvinism. It is too pat and doesn't really say anything.

And you are one of the least sexist men that i have ever met. So let's see if we can stay with the particular, instead of the general.

(Kim: Hopefully I can learn something.)

Me, too, I think that is the real point of this endeavor.

(Kim: I love Buddhism, but don't know much about it.)

I would think that you would love it. It is not much grounded in the "I". It is a lot about the interconnectedness of things.

xJoan 11/22/05 5:11 PM

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