Yes. We absolutely
have a right to say yes or no to each other.
If we can't, what kind of a relationship do we have?
About Maryville and the colorizing. I can certainly appreciate
why you would feel irritated with the request. You should, of
course, do what you want.
But it might also be interesting to think of it as an experiment. If
you did one every so often, it would stand in stark relief to the black
and white stuff. And you can see how you feel about both.
I'm feeling angry about the time I'm spending doing nonart. So
I'm not in the mood
for experimenting. It sounds like "give another piece of your
life. Sorry. I'm not angry at you but at me.)
to you. This, however, would be an interesting way to reframe
Just a thought.
I love the patterning in the lobotomy drawing.
Sunday, December 4, 2005
Friday night, when I was at a concert at Christ Church Cathedral
downtown, I talked with a woman that I have known peripherally
for years, although
she is part of a wider circle of friends.
She is in a committed
relationship and they are raising two kids. I am not sure what
I am in these days. As you know, my girlfriend
and I are having problems. We are semi-separated and trying
to figure out whether or not to go forward. It is a tough time.
I felt a shock of attraction
go through my body as I talked with this woman. I don’t know if she experienced it with similar
intensity or not. I could tell she found me attractive by the
way she responded, the look on her face, way she leaned in.
It was not just the warmth
of a friendly ear. There was an erotic component although nothing
erotic or even mildly flirtatious was
said. And it felt good. Like she got who I was on some
She may or may not have
been aware of what was going on with her. I knew what was going
on with me and could also see what was
on her end.
And I know that given
who she is, her particular moral make up, and the serious commitment
she has made to her life, nothing
would come of our interaction.
After intermission, I
sat down again with my friend Tom who had been visiting with other
people. We love each other and
and held hands.
I am a very physically
demonstrative person, possibly in part because no one in my family
is. So I enact a kind of open
I had a dream about that
woman that night, about making love.
I woke up in a cold sweat
and thought how sad I was that I would
never get to sleep with her. I really enjoyed
our exchange and thought it
would be such a lovely thing to do.
Then I began to think
about another woman I like. And how
I would like to sleep with her. And how I know if I
stay with my girlfriend
that is not in the cards.
I know all of the usual arguments. That I should take my erotic
energies back to my relationship. That monogamy provides boundaries
so that people can feel safe. That it is rare to have open additional
sexual expression outside a primary relationship without someone(s)
getting hurt. That sleeping with someone else detracts from the
primary relationship, siphoning off energy best placed at home. That
maybe I am looking around to avoid being really intimate with my
Some people might say,
if you really loved your girlfriend, it would not be an issue;
you would not look at other women or men. She
would be enough.
That is baloney. I do
really love her.
(Kim: I don't think
love guarantees that a good relationship can exist. I love all
kinds of people, but I don't want to live with them.)
of whether or not we stay together, it does not feel
I feel really conscious of my age and know I do not have unlimited
time on this
feel really curious and really desirous of other opportunities.
I know a lot of men feel that way, including men who love
I know a lot of men sleep
with women other than their wives.
The one reason I would legitimately buy for not pursuing
something else is that it would hurt her. And that
I don’t want to
do. But in some strange way, I then feel hurt. Hurt
by stifling myself and by not living as fully as I want.
Another two edged sword.)
Are any of these issues
for you? You have been with the same woman for many years.
What is it, 30 something?
the outside, and the way you have talked about
her, it seems as if you have a wonderful relationship.
desire is its
How have you dealt with this? How do you deal with
Have you seen the statistics about how often we have erotic thoughts?
pretty much predicted by our gender and age. I'm more
interested in real intimacy. Some people are more intimate with
than they are with their mates. That is really backwards.)
Sunday, Dec 4, 2005
What Artists Do When Not Suffering
By SUSAN DOMINUS (NY Times)
Published: December 4, 2005
The artists and poets
who frequent Yaddo and MacDowell might already have predicted what
two psychologists at the University of Newcastle
Upon Tyne and the Open
University in Britain announced last week: creative types of both sexes have
more sexual partners than their nonartistic counterparts, according to their
research, which will be posted on the Web site of the Proceedings of the Royal
Society B, a British journal.
The Marianne Moores and
Joseph Cornells, private, cerebral types devoted to their mothers,
are apparently the exception; Edna St.
Vincent Millay, left, Pablo Picasso
and Georges Simenon, voracious lovers all, are truer to the form. The two researchers
interviewed 425 British male and female professional artists and poets, making
careful scientific inquiry into their sexual histories, mental health and artistic
output. The creatives had 4 to 10 partners in their past, compared to the mere
3 claimed by less artistic counterparts.
It is the kind of study,
of course, that can give anyone trying to distinguish the correlative
from the causative a major
pain. The researchers cast the artists'
relative promiscuity as a measure of success, a Darwinian function of their
power to draw in many lovers.
But really, one doesn't
have to perfect "Les Demoiselles
order to collect half a dozen flings. Perhaps there is some other easy explanation
for the tendency toward multiple affairs. Procrastination, for example - artists
and poets tend to be world-class work avoiders, and what better way to put off
the empty page than an elaborate, time-consuming seduction. Or perhaps it's poverty
- sex is, after all, one of the great, cheap recreational pleasures available
to the penniless, if highly lauded, poet.
The researchers seemed
to want to console the public by reminding them that artists also
have higher rates of depression
- could that be why they're seeking so much
sex? Or maybe it's all that empty sex that is depressing them? Either way,
the scientists' report may only strengthen public admiration for
the work created
by those prolific, priapic, depressed artists. With all the time that noncreative
types save with monogamy, and all the energy they theoretically enjoy thanks
to lower rates of depression, they really have no excuse for not creating mind-blowing
masterpieces of their own.
Unhappily wed? Put off getting that divorce
Study finds that waiting, working it out can pay off
Karen S. Peterson
07/11/2002 USA TodayDivorce doesn't necessarily make adults happy.
But toughing it out in an unhappy marriage until it turns around
just might, a new study says.
The research identified
happy and unhappy spouses, culled from a
database. Of the unhappy partners who divorced, about half were
years later. But unhappy spouses who stuck it out often did better.
two-thirds were happy five years later.
Study results contradict
what seems to be common sense, says David
Blankenhorn of the Institute for American Values, a think tank
family. The institute helped sponsor the research team, based
University of Chicago. Findings will be presented today in Arlington,
at the "Smart Marriage" conference, sponsored by the Coalition
Families and Couples Education.
"In popular discussion,
in scholarly literature, the assumption has always
been that if a marriage is unhappy, if you get a divorce, it
is likely you
will be happier than if you stayed married," Blankenhorn says. "This
first time this has been tested empirically, and there is no
support this assumption."
About 19% of the divorced
had happily remarried within five years.
The most troubled marriages reported the biggest turn-arounds.
Of the most
discontented, about 80% were happy five years later, says
Linda Waite, a
University of Chicago sociologist who headed the research
The study looked at data on 5,232 married adults from the
National Survey of
Families and Households. It included 645 who were unhappy.
The adults in the
national sample were analyzed through 13 measures of psychological
well-being. Within the five years, 167 of the unhappy were
separated and 478 stayed married.
Divorce didn't reduce
symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem or increase
a sense of mastery compared with those who stayed married,
the report says.
Results were controlled for factors including race, age,
gender and income.
Staying married did not tend to trap unhappy spouses in
What helped the unhappy
marrieds turn things around? To supplement the
formal study data, the research team asked professional
firms to recruit
focus groups totaling 55 adults who were "marriage survivors." All
from unhappy to happy marriages.
These 55 once-discontented
marrieds felt their unions got better via one of
three routes, the report says:
- Marital endurance. "With time, job
situations improved, children got older
or better, or chronic ongoing problems got put into new
Partners did not work on their marriages.
- Marital work. Spouses
actively worked "to solve problems,
or improve communication."
- Personal change. Partners
ways to improve their own
happiness and build a good and
happy life despite a mediocre
In effect, the
unhappy partner changed.
Those who worked on their
marriages rarely turned to counselors. When they
did, they went to faith-based ones committed
to marriage, Waite says. Men,
particularly, were "very suspicious of anyone who wanted money
Those who stayed married
also generally disapproved of divorce, Waite says.
They cited concerns about children,
religious beliefs and a fear
divorce would bring its own set