Your relationships are all the same. (Mouse Over)

(Kim: I laid in bed this morning and thought about how we have the same relationship coefficient for all people. In other words, if we have a problem in one relationship, we probably have that same problem (in some way) with all relationships. We may have chosen a particular relationship because it magnifies something we have a need to resolve. Or we chose it because we know that it won't work, and we don't need to get close. So I told Linda all these thoughts and she disagreed. I told her that wives should always agree...and she laughed.)

(Kim: I think the undercurrent of the life of your relationship in our conversations is kind of a cement to all the various things we've been talking about.

It struck me strange the idea of asking someone for something that they won't give. I guess that doesn't happen much when you've been with someone a long time. Oh, I know what it is. That suggests that you are two separate people. If you love someone you want them to do things that make them happy.

So you ask your lover to go to a movie, and she says that she's too tired. She didn't say no to you, she says yes to herself, which should make you happy. The totality of you and her are now more where you should be. Do you know what I mean?

As to what we know before we get into things...I think it is like a piece of a hologram, which is supposed to include all the information about the entire image. Something very wise draws us to things. Only later do we figure our why.)

Dear Kim, I don't know that my relationship is exactly the way I want it to be with Pseudonym although there is certainly something valid to what you say. It has been said that often one ends up with the life they want or maybe even for which they are willing to settle.

But i think that is shortsighted and simplistic.

I want very much for it to be different. Sadly, I do not think that I seem to have the skills to do it differently, at least with her. And I know she does not. I am working on those skills.

They mostly have to do with standing my ground, establishing my boundaries and not letting someone try to steer me to their course rather than my own.

Like you, she has a right to ask for things. And no matter what she asks and how outrageous I may think that is, she has a right. And her requests do not make her a bad person.

I have an equal right to say no.

I wish we were on the same page more of the time and that I didn't feel a need to say no so often.

I know that I cannot change anyone else's behavior. I can only change mine. When I change mine, as of yet, it does not seem to effect much of what she does or says.

She is still massively disappointed and sometimes angry that I have so much of my own life and concerns and that I don't cater to her fears or join in her fantasies about what she thinks it means to have a romantic relationship.

When I followed my attraction for her, I honestly didn't have any idea it was going to be like this. (Kim: I'm sorry. I believe that unconsciously we know exactly how things will play out.) We are trying to get help for all of this, rather than just ending our connection abruptly in a way that would probably feel raw and hurtful to both of us. It is not over yet.

Count your blessings, my friend. You are very fortunate to have found a mate in Linda with whom you can easily be the self you need to be. That probably took some real labor on both of your parts. I admire and envy the space where you are. I hope to be a neighbor to it some day.

Later, Joan Friday, Dec 16, 2005 6:57 PM

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