I just tried to call my mother to see how she is doing. Her
blood pressure is good. But she had just choked on a horse
pill she tried to swallow that got stuck in her throat and was
(Kim: So it is almost
5 am and I have to go to the hospital for a medical procedure,
so I'm in the medical mode. My mother had swallowing issues
when she got old. She had her throat enlarged a few times,
but I don't know if that helped.
We had a man from
Israel talking at the college yesterday. He brought up the
advances that Israel have made to world technology and pulled
out from his pocket a $5000 pill that had two video cameras
in it. You swallow it and broadcast a signal to the brilliant
passed the pill around, trusting the audience to a point that
In the end someone just left the pill on a table and it almost
do they make these pills so large?!!
My mother just had nine prescriptions filled.
I have a hard time with swallowing, too. It affects my willingness
to take certain vitamins. And I feel nauseated by
the smell of them.
A few months ago, when I was having a check up with my
ent surgeon, he ordered a swallow test. They found
that my reflex time
was a tad slow. Not enough to be a real medical concern
but enough to be noticeable.
My heart goes out to my mother. She is suffering
I wanted to say good morning and to see how she was.
And to ask her about whether or not she used a tablecloth
she was growing
up on Rivington.
My dad said she wasn't up to talking. He held the
phone up to her and she said, "I love you, honey."
And then she was off without another word.
There is so much I want to say, or more accurately
to ask her. I think she knows how I feel about
her and how
have often tried to share my feelings and thoughts
with her which has been a mixed bag,
The nakedness of my honesty makes her uncomfortable.
She likes the outline, not the back story. Unless
it is someone else. Then she loves the details.
I am the wild child that has frightened her my entire
life. I don't and can't know where that comes from
can't tell me.
It may have started in utero. It may have been that
I was very sick as a newborn and didn't bond naturally.
I caused a lot of anxiety when I had major surgery
the age of 18 months.
It may be that I was a girl child and that raised
different issues for her.
I don't know.
I know she thinks I am courageous, gifted and deeply
principled. I also know she thinks I am overly
sensitive, naive and
not sufficiently self protective about the harsh
realities of the
She is probably right on all accounts.
But however well she may intuit who I am, it makes
Although I have tried—goodness knows I have tried—her
feelings and her life, have been a closed book for
much of my life. I don't even know if she used a tablecloth
growing up in a tenement
Maybe we all should be required to spend some time in a nudist
that revealing ourselves is not so traumatic?)
didn't learn that she slept growing up on a cot between the
sink and the stove until I
was forty something.
Maybe "I love you, honey," will have to be
enough for now.
"I love you, honey," is plenty.
Still, my stomach suddenly hurts. I have a pain behind my right
eye again and as I write these words, I am
struggling with tears that feel lodged somewhere. That want
to come out but can't.
Thursday, Jan 26, 2006